4 months ago I released to the public one of the most personal projects I’ve ever worked on. I’ve never put as much emotional energy, core intent and reflective love into anything I’ve ever created. The Conscious Contribution mix series was always a process that I used to sort through emotional baggage, beliefs and barriers, but the years leading up to the release of Volume 4 were a mix of emotions. I endured some of the most heartbreaking, but also life expanding moments. After working on this project night and day for almost 2 months straight I released it in a full scale audio & video premiere and to be honest I haven’t been able to listen to it since that day. Today was the first day I decided to revisit it, reflect on it and I’m feeling compelled to put something down on virtual paper regarding what it’s brought up for me.
I think that anytime you put that kind of energy into something you really have to try to abandon any expectations around what will come of it or you’ll just be inevitably disappointed. I know, easier said than done but when I released this I knew people would make of it what they wanted. Some would love it and some might hate it. I needed to remember that I was actually doing this for my own growth. This was my form of self managed therapy. A way to dig deep into what was going on in my life, my heart and my mind.
What I didn’t really account for however was the state of the world and the way that might impact perceptions, mental states and emotional accessibility from the public. As an Empath myself I’m no stranger to emotions. I feel them with an intensity that not everyone is always comfortable with. I watch movies just to enjoy a good cry and the way to my heart is through honest and vulnerable emotion. The process of making this creation cracked me open and unbottled everything that I was feeling both from my personal life as well as from parts of my soul that had tapped into the emotional energy of my surroundings. It gave me the opportunity to close the door on a past, not with a slam but rather with a friendly wave and a heartfelt goodbye. I shed more tears in the process of making this creation than I had during all of the hardship of the past few years. It allowed me to feel again…like really feel, deeply and honestly. That was the real win of this project for me.
I guess in the end it didn’t really matter if anyone saw or heard it. With that being said though, I had hoped it might allow an opportunity for others to dig a little deeper into themselves. Sharing it with the public was never really about giving people a literal guided tour of my history but rather a chance for it to open an emotional dialogue for others. To bring to light whatever is in them that maybe needs to be revisited. Is it presumptuous or disrespectful to lead people down an emotional path without their consent? Is there a chance that in a state when everything is already in flux, adding raw emotion to the mix can send the whole thing sideways? Online the comments regarding the mix were mixed but the personal calls, discussions & emails I received from people did tell another story. I know it helped some people and for that I’m grateful and appreciative that I got to be a part of their journey.
After listening to this set again I can say that I do love it. It still moves me and brings forth emotions but they are all positive and heartfelt. I’m proud of what I put out into the world and I’m proud of myself for having the courage to be so vulnerable in front of all my peers. That’s not an easy path to travel but like the last song in the mix so eloquently states, “This road is all I know”.
If your reading this, I’d love to hear your response to the mix, good or bad. Feel free to drop me an email to [email protected] if you want to keep it offline. As always it’s 100% confidential and your honesty is always appreciated and respected. For anyone that hasn’t yet listened to the mix or checked out the video, you can find it through the buttons below. Much love to you all.